“I wasted too much time going, ‘They have this. I wish I had that,’” the ‘Law & Order: SVU’ actress tells PEOPLE

Mariska Hargitay is getting real.

In an interview with PEOPLE at the Town & Country Philanthropy Summit on Oct. 29, the Law & Order: SVU star spoke about turning 60 and the importance of being open and honest. Explaining that she has learned a lot in her life, Hargitay reveals what advice she would give her twenty-something self.

“I wish I had more compassion for all of the parts of myself,” she says. “I didn’t know that we’re all specialists. I wasted too much time going, ‘They have this. I wish I had that. I wish I had that.’ And it’s important to strive and to go, ‘I love that quality. I love that quality. I want more of that. I want more of that,’ and integrate it.”

“But don’t [you] dare throw yourself and your own unique specialty away in it, because it’s equally valuable, if not more than that,” she adds.

Cynthia McFadden (left) and Mariska Hargitay attend Town & Country’s Philanthropy Summit at Hearst Tower on Oct. 29, 2024 in New York City.

Craig Barritt/Getty

When it comes to her decision to be vulnerable as a public figure, the actress says she feels that “getting personal levels the playing field.”

“I think that vulnerability, I’ve been preaching for years, is my superpower,” she admits. “I think that it just saves so much time. And I look at what I respect in other people and I respect the whole person. I don’t want just one part. I want all of them. And we have great parts and scared parts and badass parts and brave parts and little parts.”

Something she has come to understand is that being patient with others and giving them the opportunity to show her who they truly are makes a difference in her relationships. She says when she meets someone who is “a little tough or a little rude,” she is mindful about digging deeper.

“Everyone wants to feel seen,” she says. “So when somebody’s tight or harsh, they’re just afraid. And I think I recognize that quickly.”

“I’ll stay with it and be curious,” she continues. “Usually as soon as you point out a similarity, their fear dissipates. And so I found that vulnerability is the glue. It’s the magnet of coming together. It’s the magnet.”

Mariska Hargitay.Joy Malone/Getty 

The root of conflict is often fear, Hargitay goes on to explain. She says that people assume there are topics that cannot be touched, and once those walls are broken down, dynamics change.

“I think we just cut through all the red tape,” she says. “We have fear and think that there are boundaries, and then as soon as the conversation starts, it’s like, ‘Oh my god, me too.’ And there’s this beautiful, cozy humanity that comes into play. And all of a sudden, we see all our similarities.”

She concludes: “For me, I like to highlight the fact, I guess, that we are the same and that we have more in common than we don’t and that humans are human, period. So in a lot of ways, the fear is an illusion. And I think we can break through unkindness and fear or standoffishness with being human. Then all of a sudden, everyone relaxes and goes, ‘Okay, okay, this is great.’”